What do you regret?
Last year, I was on vacation with my wife when I saw a Facebook post that made me sad. One of my old friends and my first professional mentor had died after a battle with cancer. Rick was the life of every party and had a presence that was felt the moment he entered the room. He was funny and he was smart, and he had high emotional intelligence. He truly understood what made people tick. I learned a lot from Rick about how to navigate organizations and how to treat people.
Rick had a bit of Tom Sawyer in him, too. I recall a bunch of us volunteering to help Rick build a deck for his new pool. We worked pretty hard on that project while Rick “directed” our efforts. We were paid back in beer and plenty of pool parties at Rick’s home over the years.
He was my manager for a couple of years back in the late 1980s, but we remained friends years after I moved on from that job. Somehow, we lost touch over the past 10 years. We were “friends” on Facebook. We liked and shared each other’s FB posts about family events and vacation travel but we hadn’t spent any real time together in a decade or more.
His death was a gut punch for me. Here was a guy that I had called friend and had admired for many years. He was only 73 years old when he died. I had no idea he had gotten ill and passed away. I only knew about his death because someone else posted condolences to his wonderful wife and family via Facebook.
I regret not staying in touch with Rick. I regret not knowing about his illness. I’ll have to carry those regrets with me for a long time.
Life is about the stories you can tell. Want an interesting life? Then do interesting things, go on adventures, and pick the proverbial road not taken. I’ve got lots of great stories about my time working for Rick. There was mentoring, mischief, mirth, and even marriage! You see, Rick had encouraged me to date the woman who would ultimately become Mrs. Pouli. In some ways, he saw the possibilities that I may have missed.
Regrets are the echoes of the stories you cannot tell. I regret not being able to tell stories about siting poolside and having a drink while Rick proudly told me stories about his grandchildren. I regret not being able to tell stories about going to dinner with Rick and our wives to celebrate some milestone birthday. (Rick’s wife and I share the same date of birth). And, I regret not seeing my old friend one last time before he passed away.
I’ve gotten pretty good at avoiding most of these types of major regrets in life. In my first TEDx Talk, I spoke about my deep regret at not seeing my dear Uncle Lazarus for over 20 years due to nothing other than busy-ness. I learned a valuable but painful lesson after his death: Spend time with people you care about before it’s “too late.”
Two years ago, I heard that “Mrs. J,” one of my all-time favorite teachers was very ill. I hadn’t seen her in three decades, but I knew I must visit her in the hospital as soon as possible. I didn’t want to feel the sting of regret of not visiting her.
Mrs. J was my 7th and 8th grade English teacher and she was one of my main role models as a teacher. She was a fun-loving, loud, red-headed teacher who could have been the inspiration for the frenetic Mrs. Frizzle from “The Magic School Bus” TV show. I am the educator I am today in large part because of her influence.
I went to Mrs. J’s hospital room unannounced. I knocked on the hospital room door and said, “Hi Mrs. J. Remember me?”
At first, she thought I was “Jimmy Pouliopoulos’ father” but then she realized that I was the actual Jimmy Pouliopoulos. I guess I looked like my father did over 30 years ago when she last saw him at some parent-teacher conference. We had a good laugh over that and then spent over an hour reminiscing. It was an incredible afternoon of memories and catching up. I visited Mrs. J a couple more times before she passed away. I know she appreciated it – she told me as much when I visited her. At her funeral, her adult children also told me how much Mrs. J had appreciated the visits from a former student. Truth be told, those visits did as much for me as for her. Every time I left Mrs. J’s hospital room, I was energized by the genuine human connection. I was grateful to have known her and fortunate to be able to say “thanks” for her influence on my life.
I was sad when Mrs. J passed away, but I had no regrets about my decision to visit her and let her know how much she meant to me.
You will never avoid all regrets in your life, but you can minimize them. If you want to raise your level of happiness immediately, reach out to an old friend, mentor, or family member with whom you’ve lost touch. It’s a little daunting and intimidating at first. You might feel that you’ve let so much time go by that there is nothing you have in common anymore. Get over it! At some point in the past, you had a lot in common and you can start there by reminiscing over a cup of coffee, a cold beverage, or even a phone conversation.
Make sure you thank this person for whatever they’ve do for you in the past whether it was career help, relationship advice, or simply for their friendship. They’ll feel great and you will, too.
Don’t wait to do this. Make a list of 50 people you’ve lost touch with over the years. Think about people whose funeral you would attend if you heard of their unexpected death. That’ll make the list a lot easier to create.
Email one person a week. Just let them know you are trying to catch up with them and see how they’ve been doing. That’s one year of reconnecting with old friends. I guarantee your happiness will rise with every email sent. Your long-term joy will soar with every response and every conversation with an old friend.
Don’t wait until it’s “too late.” Send that first email or make that first call today.